>< I /} (/) (angel_of_ruin) wrote in loveless_fool,
>< I /} (/)

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expatiating defenses and aero-metaphoric-dialetic

i deal with it. the consistency.
like that sun that sets and makes way for night. it is irrelevant what humans think of it. it just happens. it just is.
it is too easy to see feelings like that. a chemical is released in your brain and suddenly the whole world has a meaning. suddenly this little chemical, mentally, becomes bigger than anything. it become the focus of everything.
like a total eclipse or a some freak accident that claims thousands of lives, the whole world stops and stares.
but you see enough eclipses, you know enough death, and you just learn how to keep your feet moving and the ground passing.
so, logically, it is just a matter of understanding the nature of this tiny chemical regulating it's access to the control panel.

this is all well and good. it is the way life is. it challenges you. it puts you on the spot and says "you're an insignificant waste of protein, what the fuk are you going to do about it ?!". and it comes down to just that. what are you going to do about it?
abusive families are the norm now. the concept of a good parent is lost. and reason is replaced by nessesity.
this is, of course, not always the case. but it is the norm. the majority. to grow up with parents that not only don't love you, but become violent when you ask for attention. or that love you because they are obligated by guilt. you grow up being taught that your existence is a burden to others and your death would be their blessing. their liberation. but still we have kids that grow up like this that somehow manage to learn the value of self discipline. to respect right and wrong. kids that grow up to be good and loving people. using their genesis in hell merely as reference to help create and maintain the contrast that helps them see so much good in life. beautiful shining stars delivered from the mercilously, cold, emptiness of space. such people inspire hope in every person they come in contact with.
i'm speaking in a general and best case senario, of course.
then we have reality. an incredible mess of everything inbetweens. and perfidious whores rule the roost. while sincerity floats like foam ontop of muddy water. soft. singled out. alienated from the mass.
sure there is the concept of assension and how our race glorifies it, but at its core, mankind is a species that sticks together. one that has a need to belong built in. a dependant race.
so, in that sense, to be unique is to be cursed. to be special is to be rejected.
in all my rambling here, i'm merely haggling over the petty techincalities of origin.
giving into the need to paint the plane and the runway before i try my luck at landing my point.
(but more likely just creating more turbulence to wrestle me to the ground)

my thoughts tonight are of my inability to hold back in the light of a good thing.
the best way i can describe my problem is "maladjusted".
the way things are in my heart seem so different from those around me.
my attempts to give and recieve love ending badly is the norm. so i just step out of the light.
isolated myself from others. not willing to accept that my presence hurts others.
and, as a price, love just builds up inside.
changing the pressure levels. and after years of popping my ears and replacing windows with bricks, it's
just so heavy in here. humans can get used to anything if they really have to.
i knew that when i made my choice 3 years ago that it was a crash course. either i find release or i implode.
now the pressure is so high. what i'm refering to is interaction.
interaction with exogenous influences. when an adulation forms, it is quick to become a violent internal battle to maintain composure. the sheer happiness and excitement of actually opening up, the posibility of it, is like a crack in the window at 20,000 feet below water.
in all honesty, i have no idea how to cure this in any logical or reasonable way.
theoretically, if someone could be used as an exogenous source to channel out the pressure, balance could be found again. but, even then, if i really haven't been able to cure the original cause of the blockage, then it would only happen again in a similar fashion. and there is the fact that the original reasoning for the quarentine was to not hurt loved ones, said exogenous would have to volunteer with ardent persistence and love.
i am a reasonable man. and, as such, i know this is not going to happen.
but humans are an unreasonable species. so, that said, and taking into consideration what need does to a person when it is for something that cannot be satiated, it is incredible the lengths people will go to. jumping to be used and disposed. canidates for a tornequete. in that sick kind of way.
i know i am strong. i know i am smart. but i also know i am emotionally unstable due to the friction caused by dependancy disorders and abandonment issues that i keep condemn myself for.

"life is the most beautiful death sentence.
you gotta keep your eyes on the heavens and your feet on the ground.
and when you step out onto the plank, you have forget about how much weight it holds."
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