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Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
3:11 pm

I met this guy at a friend's house, an we hung out a lot. It was 3 years ago. I said the dreaded "L" word. I fucked everything up, and well lost him for a while. Then i saw him again at a party 3 years later, and were both pretty much potheads, so he starting hitting on me.

I just let it happen. We had a fling. It's over now, but i can't help to think how i was when i was with him.

3 years ago, all i wanted was for someone to love me.

Now i'm so numb, it's almost like i forgot what it's like to even be touched or hug someone.

Back 3 years ago, hugs meant something to me, but now it's just a thing that happens.

I don't feel anything.

And i don't know why.

current mood: confused

(blood for the wall)

Friday, June 18th, 2004
2:16 am


I was suffering through an agonizing bout some months ago and came across these two quite funny websites that deal adeptly with the subject of unrequited love. Even if you think you're not in the mood ( I definitely did), do give them a try. I think laughing when you're depressed is like clearing up your sinuses by drinking some of that Chinese hot-and-sour soup. Unless you actually like hot & sour; then my theory is shot to pieces. But anyway. Here they are.



current mood: sleepy

(blood for the wall)

Thursday, December 25th, 2003
12:19 am - my introduction
neiseluv Hello, just joined, so I thought I'd introduce myself.

My name is Denise, but that's unimportant.

I am in love. I hate it. She is my friend, she doesn't feel the same way. I want to be over this pain, but I feel this love everyday. Every moment of every day of my life.

I am an emotional person, yet it is hard for me to show it at times. Not when it comes to her.

So that's the jist of how I'm feeling right now.

I look forward to much interpretation and insight here. Thanks for having me.

current mood: sad

(2 scrawlings | blood for the wall)

Friday, September 26th, 2003
12:03 pm - where is everybody?

why don't more people join this community and start talking, because i KNOW there are so many helpless creatures out there striving for love : often unobtainable. The loveless fool is the fool who doesn't love themself enough. Where are the little fishies that have lost thier school? Xian, make them come.

-yellow || "pychosis with the mostess"

current mood: crazy

(1 scrawling | blood for the wall)

Thursday, July 10th, 2003
11:58 pm - the loveless is no fool

the loveless is no longer a fool
and i would rather have my dignity
than the love he could never give

yellow however...
has all the love in the world to give
therefore... in essence...
she is not loveless.

i am lovefull.

"nothing can stop me now."


current mood: loved

(1 scrawling | blood for the wall)

Friday, June 13th, 2003
3:36 am - malady.

"a romantic that spends his life looking up at the stars and daydreaming of love,
will never feel the love that is standing right next to him."

(blood for the wall)

Thursday, June 12th, 2003
9:40 am - expatiating defenses and aero-metaphoric-dialetic

i deal with it. the consistency.
like that sun that sets and makes way for night. it is irrelevant what humans think of it. it just happens. it just is.
it is too easy to see feelings like that. a chemical is released in your brain and suddenly the whole world has a meaning. suddenly this little chemical, mentally, becomes bigger than anything. it become the focus of everything.
like a total eclipse or a some freak accident that claims thousands of lives, the whole world stops and stares.
but you see enough eclipses, you know enough death, and you just learn how to keep your feet moving and the ground passing.
so, logically, it is just a matter of understanding the nature of this tiny chemical regulating it's access to the control panel.Read more...Collapse )

"life is the most beautiful death sentence.
you gotta keep your eyes on the heavens and your feet on the ground.
and when you step out onto the plank, you have forget about how much weight it holds."

current mood: listless and uncertain

(1 scrawling | blood for the wall)

Sunday, June 8th, 2003
5:48 pm - // yelloe say so //

A boi can love only what he can use... out of sight, out of mind, and the girl is lain helplessly on a metaphoric crucifix. I'm here on mine: struggling to breathe, every last gasp is me hanging on for his acceptence and desire, and every breath is full of 'empty' [thoughtswisheshopesaspirations], choking me in a vicious cycle that i have inserted myself into... trying to prove to him and myself alike that I care more. Now I feel like a piece of selfless d.n.a -- you don't even look my way anymore-- [wait- you never did.] I'm hanging in the strand, its looping 'round and 'round, and I will sustain you. I've said it once, and I'll say it again "for selfless love : less love for self".


current mood: crushed

(2 scrawlings | blood for the wall)

Saturday, October 12th, 2002
4:30 am

recidivism is a fukin tricky thing.
the most primitive derivation of laziness is instinctual.
the conspiracy of equalibrium to keep us consistant enough for our enviornment to balance out our
consumption of resources.
and this just sucks some serious ass when you're just tryin to be a good guy and not fall back into
old habits of nessesity on an emotional level.
subversion of original programming is easily the most difficult thing
i struggle to maintain.

(3 scrawlings | blood for the wall)

Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
10:05 pm - loveless fool

I thought every guy liked me.

I thought every guy would love me.

but I was wrong.

Guys don't want a girl that they can love, most of them just want someone to fuck.

Like Sean.

I liked him, I confided in him, and I expressed my emotions for him, and all I got thrown back in my face was a whole bunch of lies and a false facade.

Every guy I think will actually call me, I give my hopes up and they are vanished.

The pain I feel, when they don't call it shatters my every being.

I should not love anyone.

but I don't want to give myself an living death and isolate myself from everyone and everything.

love sucks.

I am a fool.

but I don't think I will ever be loveless.

current mood: apathetic

(6 scrawlings | blood for the wall)

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
3:00 am

pain tends to be a certain sign of change. as tormenting as it is, i've found myself smiling from time to time as, after all these years, i may know comfort in the presence of another in a way i have never known. now whether this is feesable on a psychological level, i guess i find out in time. but i will make an effort.
i know for sure that many things will change when this ignimony has concluded. i look forward to it and hope that i will see it when it comes and learn as i go. i guess this kind of thing can make a guy stronger than others simply for the fact that it must be endured, but i am aware of the fact that i fall short in enough departments that equalling out will be acceptable. for now.

current mood: achey stingy pain

(blood for the wall)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2002
2:28 am

to have yourself, as you truely are, defined, is quite an agonising feeling. you can struggle all you want, but in all reality, there are no words that can save you from the enevitablity of the fact that life simply demands more from you. that what you are doing, just isn't good enough. that who you are just isn't good enough. that what you hold so dear as your redeeming qualities are just dusty trophies on a mantel long since abandoned from relevance. that you're just a child that once used his imagination to make the toys his friends now, tattered and dismembered, using his imagination to make them what they used to be. and nothing left to make them anything more than the torment they have become...
this is indeed a compensation.
i am urged to sever the connection before it gets out of hand. but my lust for the pain and self destruction are great. or was it the wish to be the exception to the rule and find what my heart truely desires. honestly, i employ both. one as a contingency to the other.
i have no faith in either.
but i know without a doubt, that one
is enevitable...

current mood: atrophied

(blood for the wall)

Friday, March 22nd, 2002
1:20 am

nothing hurts quite like an arising conflict where there was once a beautiful understanding.
i'm afraid sometimes that the understanding is only an ephemoral support to hold a structure from its enevitable collapse. and i often wonder if this support was my own flesh and blood acting in the same solitude that cosumed me before this time of fate.
regardless, eventually, i will serve my purpose and life will once again revert back to the one lane highway i've lost so many tears to.
though, in all this, i still feel a strong sense of purpose. a hope inspiring motive.
the one thing that keeps this ignimony i call a life, from being prematurely terminated.
with this in my heart, i am no longer afraid.
all in good time this horror show will be played out....
and i will finally know peace.

current mood: disappointed....

(blood for the wall)

Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
5:21 am

i know how many times i have said it in the past, but man i need to loose this desire for humans. i'm always stuck on some girl that things just can't work out with. i would have to attribute that to various mental disfunctions formed from love deficiencies early on in life. that seems to be the derivation of most of such problems.
i feel that the most dificult thing, for me at least, is to deal with is attempting to tell the difference between a true ardent and and enduring love, and a true ardent and relentless dependancy. yes, i am admitting to being a dependant when it comes to love. not all the time, mind you, as there are times when love isn't at the front of my mind. but just how does one tell what true love is. i guess... that is a question that may never be answered. especially in our current stage of socialogical degredation.
i have seen much failure.
but such doesn't fuk with me as much as my endless drawing toward
that wich ensures its return.
fuk, i hate redundancy.

current mood: self analysis

(blood for the wall)

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